Merkel’s New Year – “My fifth term is coming!” | Uli Gellermann

By Uli Gellermann.

Dear fellow citizens,

first of all, the really good news: on September 26, 2021, I will run again for the office of Chancellor! So you owe the pandemic, which has already brought us many benefits, also a continuity that is necessary in these times. I am sure that even the AfD will not refuse its national responsibility in a coalition. My gratitude also goes to the Left Party, which has consistently stopped opposing. From the SPD and my own party, I expect the unity that is necessary in these difficult times.

Germany has turned into a quiet country

Many things have been closed in recent months: schools, sports facilities, cafés, restaurants, hotels and even children’s playgrounds. Even the media were united behind me. During this time, Germany has turned into a quiet country. The hectic traveling back and forth gave way to an inner contemplation. There was an end to excited dancing in hot-spot clubs; the noise of live music nowhere disturbed the meditative calm that is necessary for governing; excited performances of all kinds never bothered me or my cabinet.

Mountains of garbage – improving the landscape

Even the German courts, which initially thought they had to remind people of the Basic Law, have stopped nagging under the leadership of my CDU friend Stephan Harbarth, the new president of the Federal Constitutional Court. Silently, various demonstration requests were buried, peace reigns in the country. Demonstrative harassment by the young people of “Fridays for Future” has been settled in the most beautiful way. For the air has certainly improved as a result of the Corona shutdowns. In any case, I consider the parallel growing mountains of garbage as a result of home-eating and Amazon deliveries to be an improvement of the German landscape.

A conspiracy would not have been possible

To be sure, conspiracy theorists have come forward from time to time. But where there is no conspiracy, there can’ t be any theory. Or do you, dear fellow citizens, seriously believe that the pharmaceutical industry would move its lobbyists to the relevant meetings just because of a few billion euros? Especially since those, like the Borchert and and the Einstein, as well as the other restaurants, were closed. So a conspiracy would not have been possible at all.

Deletion of relevant videos an act of solidarity

The disappearance of various critical videos also has nothing to do with conspiracy or censorship: companies like Youtube are simply concerned about the nerves of the population in times of endangered health: Enlightenment can be very exciting, but we want to spare the population such irritations, in this respect we consider the deletion of relevant videos an act of solidarity with the threatened population.

Artists are also afraid of death

In an exemplary manner, most cabaret artists, songwriters and other restless spirits are holding themselves back. Those who now claim that this restraint is related to the 50 billion euro aid package for solo self-employed and micro-enterprises that has been agreed upon are engaging in malicious slander. It is much simpler: Artists are also afraid of death, which is more practical than a censorship law.

Alternative-less final solution to the population question

On the whole, I can certify that we are doing a good job: Only a few people raise their voices, and those who do are taught better by the police. However, there is one thing we still don’t quite have under control: the aerosols! They continue to spray through the area, spreading the virus and can hardly be stopped by the usual masks. We are thinking about whether we should simply ban not only flute playing and singing, but also talking, in order to put a stop to the dangerous aerosols. My physicians are currently working on a program to replace exhaling with inhaling. It seems to me that this is the no-alternative final solution to the population question. But before we go down this complicated scientific road, let’s try vaccines, the lethal effects of which cannot be accurately predicted.

But, dear fellow citizens, we can do it!

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Thanks to the author for the right to publish the article.

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This article first appeared on the blog Rationalgalerie on December 31, 2020

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Image source: photocosmos1/  shutterstock

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